YOU'RE RAISING BUBBLE BABIES

On October 2nd I completed my 20th year of being a mother.
Cumulatively I have mothered 61 years of my children's lives. (I have 5 kids ranging from 6 to 20).

When I started this gig I did EVERYTHING I could to protect, shelter, hide, and buffer the realities of this world from my precious infants.  I didn't allow television for a long time.  Video games and electronics were taboo.  I had my kids transferred into the 'better' school within the best school district where the crowd was more affluent & the test scores noticeably higher. We moved to a street where the people all looked like us, and the homes all looked like each other, and despite the crime rate being non-existent - we still watched the kids like hawks when they played in the locked & fenced in back yard.  We picked a church that gave us guidelines and checklists for how to live, so that we could feel good about our goodness, and also allowed us to give back to OUR community ... so we could feel like we had done a noble act of service by raking the leaves from the front yards of neighbors homes, you know, so they would look pretty.  We chose to spend our time around people who made us feel good about our progress in life, our decisions, our desires, our 'giving', our material items (we were growing a family - so new and bigger was always a must), our upgraded counter tops, our decks for entertaining, our investments so as to save properly for the children's college years, and any number of things we HAD to have for the children's safety and well being. 

I read parenting books, I became politically knowledgeable &  well versed in the Bible ... and I was sure to pontificate ALL of my beliefs & opinions so as to get warm and fuzzy acknowledgements from all of the clones in my life.  I had no reason not to believe I was an exceptional parent ... and my children were only toddlers - I must be waaaaayyyyy ahead of the game - or so I thought.

I bought into the glass box.
I bought into the idea I could make my children do and be whatever I wanted them to be.

With time, came the realization that all of my sheltering wasn't going to prepare my children for the realities of life ... and if I was to keep up my attempts to control their environment with only admission granted to the 'perfect' things -- my world was only going to get SMALLER, not better - and far harder to regulate. I realized that sheltering my children was more about my own discomfort, my own insecurities & my own prejudices than it was about really preparing my child for life outside of my grip.  I didn't want to explain why the man on the corner was begging for money & stumbling (they may want me to help him - oh, but he'd just buy alcohol, right!?) , I didn't want to explain what gay was (they may want to be gay ... right!?) or why the kid at school had to sleep at Grandma's house on weekends so his Mom could 'work'. I couldn't bear the thought of the fear they may feel from knowing kidnapping existed or marriages could break apart or drug addicts were real, or that people could have babies when they weren't married, or even living together, that there were drunks or child molesters or criminals. I didn't want to accept that people who made bad choices were anything more than lazy or crazy, or lacking God or just plain evil.

So I figured I could just keep them from such things and they wouldn't have to know. I'd just box us in to suburbia, I'd choose their friends, I'd limit their access to the world - no TV, no Internet, no Cell phones ... I'd keep them in only the safest parts of town - so assisting the homeless or anything else was just simply too dangerous. We would have family game nights for entertainment ... we'd become well versed in the Bible and would watch documentaries for fun.  I would never leave them in a car while I ran into a gas station, I'd not let them ride their bikes out of my sight, or let them run into the store to get an item.  I would shield and protect them from EVERYTHING, no broken families in our circle, no gay families, no cultural differences to explain or be tolerant of.  I was going to create the Truman Show ... I was going to do this SO right. 

I was wrong. 

For so long I was wrong. 

I created an environment that took hours of overtime & mounds of anxiety pills to make pretty.
I created an environment where I did so much to keep things perfect ... that I was almost always worn out.
I created an environment that was rigid and judgmental and intolerable and inflexible ...

I have learned over the past twenty years that:

If I protect them FROM it ... I don't prepare them FOR it. 

... and in my state of protection, I planted seeds of fear, so that when they were eventually confronted with it (and they ALWAYS are) they were unprepared for how to deal with it.  

When something scares us we either run from it, or we beat the hell out of it ... either way, we aren't loving it, and it's by loving it that you can disarm it.  

I decided to let them SEE & EXPERIENCE the reality of life - and show them how to love it, how to deal with it, how to trust their gut & how to be independent ...

There isn't a lot these days that my kids can't deal with - especially collectively ...
I was humbled and exhausted from trying to keep our masks on all the time & to keep everything perfect ...
At my house now, we do REAL.  We do hard work.  We do gratefulness. We do empathy. We do mistakes. We do do-overs. We don't judge. We look into the eyes of the man who lost his leg & ask why - we don't pretend it away. We get to the core of other's wounds. We love on the hurting. We do difficult discussions ... and we acknowledge we don't have all the answers.  Sometimes we just have to let go of our 'pretty' & love what may be ugly. Ugly is where the lessons are, where the strength is conceived and where the warriors are made.

I don't believe this world was built for the weak ... but the weak sure like to build their worlds huh?

Get out of your comfort zone ...
Show your children the world.
A prepared child is a powerful leader in the making ...
A child hidden from it - tends to build only an empire of walls later in life.

... and you wonder why they never call.

Love you,
Alli

TAKE THE RISK

Remember who you are ... not who people have told you you are.
Evaluate your intentions ... understand your lacking ...
You don't suck as a human being because you have 'issues'.
You are not a fool for trusting in something or someone ... you are a risk taker.
Sometimes those risks pan out ... sometimes they're just lessons to learn ...
It's those that don't risk ... in an attempt to save face, to save pain, to save it all that suffer in the end ...
They make few 'mistakes' and inhibit their own personal growth.
We're all created perfectly, and programmed to 'fail' ... that's what we're on this planet to do.
Mistakes grow people like water does flowers.
LIVE. RISK. LEARN. MOVE ON.
... and don't judge the people who stumble ... they're moving faster than you are standing there watching ...

Love you,
Alli

FLIP A COIN

Struggling with a decision???
Can't analyze it enough ... need proof before deciding?
Need to talk it out (again)? Need advice from friends, family, coworkers, clergy? Need opinions? A sign from God maybe? ...

I'm calling B.S. ... FLIP A COIN.
Yep ... I said take that stress ridden, anxiety filled, life haltering choice you've been chewing on so long your friends and family want to shake you ... and FLIP A COIN ... because I GUARANTEE you ... the minute that coin goes airborne ... YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT ...

Love you,
Alli

LET GO & RESPECT

It's their training.

We all have lessons to learn, experiences to grow from, things we will need to come to terms with, adventures we will need to be a part of ... and we all need to do it at our own pace for it to ever truly impact us on a level that causes ownership or action. 

I have to remind myself that each person I come in contact with is a gift to this planet and is on a special mission of their own in this lifetime - one that will allow for them to learn from lessons only when they are good and ready to be impacted by them.  I hear people often (and am guilty of this too at times) grumbling behind another's back about how they "just don't get it", about how they "told him so" but she "just never learns" and "keeps doing the same thing over and over & never changes." 

As ego centered creatures I believe we often wish to impart our wisdom on other's more for our own validation than the true desire to aid or assist the person struggling.  We like to rant, to lecture, to "teach", to persuade, to coach, to protect & to direct because WE learned it, WE figured it out, WE now see the bigger picture, and now that somehow grants us the right to be condescending to our peers who haven't yet gleaned the wisdom we did from what often started as our own mistake!? 

I have to challenge myself to speak only on my behalf.  To not correct, direct or lecture another based on my personal views, my opinions, my own pace, my own experiences, or to merely enlarge my head.  I have failed at this terribly in my life in the past.  I have wanted to be appreciated, admired, recognized, validated and pursued and thought that I could achieve such by throwing my knowledge, my opinions, my beliefs around like a fool with a sword.  

As I peer back into history, some of the most impactful leaders on this planet (Jesus, Buddha & Gandhi to name a few) weren't folks who spent much time if ANY on a stage or at a pulpit lecturing to the the crowds about how to live their life ... no, they got their hands dirty, they were humble, they were an example by their actions, and when asked for their personal advice & for their wisdom to be imparted on a struggling PEER these men responded to questions with questions.  They responded with stories.  With humble grace & compassion.  With respect. Some of the MOST admired spiritual leaders this planet has ever known VALUED every individual's path as his own & granted each the dignity & the respect to allow them to learn, understand, comprehend & grow at their very own honorable pace.  

I believe every single soul on this planet has the right to learn on their own time, free of my condemnation or ridicule.  I believe there are some that don't want to learn, and I believe there are some so eager for growth they will throw themselves into some of the most terrifying situations in order to conquer their fears.  No matter where you are on your journey, I respect that it is yours. I cherish that my Creator is yours and that my job on this planet is to merely love you where you are ... not compete against it in any fashion or judge your progress.  

It's their training. LET GO of forcing their speed, their pace, their understanding & just RESPECT them.  

They may proceed at their own pace ... I will merely challenge us all to keep moving, to keep risking, to keep learning & to keep growing. 

Love as always - 

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE. 

~ Alli  

BREAK FREE

Your box is as big as you choose it to be ... can't say why I understand even wanting  to be in one ... it's a false sense of comfort and a rather cowardly way to live in my opinion.  God created a rather vast universe ... and each one of the people within it ... why you sit there inside your tiny GLASS box attempting to convince others through muffled words that you aren't suffocating from your own judgements, your own desire to control and your limited perspective, my eyes roll uncontrollably ... He put you here to experience life ... to live and to learn and to love ... kinda hard to do so from a box! Grow some balls and break free. It's stuffy in there!!!

Love you, 

Alli 

JUST DO IT

When my heart is honest & my intentions are meant for good (mine or another's) ...

What do I really ever have to lose?

Have I not hurt already? 

Have I not been humiliated before? 

Have I not been injured? 

Have I not been embarrassed? 

Have I not already been perceived incorrectly by an individual and a group? 

Have I not already been mis-judged by some? 

Have I not been offended more times than I can count? 

Have I not lost before? 

The problem is NOT the problem ... 

My attitude about the problem is the real problem. 

My attempts to manipulate people, outcomes & expectations so that I can get my desires met is where I ever truly fail.  

If you want to do something - do it. 

If it's on your heart - go for it. 

When my heart is honest & my intentions are meant for good (mine or another's) ... 

What is really the worst that could ever happen? 

I could live.  I could learn.  I could love. 

Break free from the confines of the box you've put yourself in ... 

And JUST DO IT. 

LIVE FOR TRUTH, CREATE INTEGRITY, FIND PEACE, FORGIVE YOURSELF  ... 

AND JUST DO IT. 

Love as always - from the pit of my gut;) 

~ Alli 

BE POWERFUL

I have been emotionally turned inside out.

I have been sexually abused.

I have been manipulated, controlled & lied to.

I have been told I'm worthless.

I have been treated like garbage.

I have been lead astray by people who wanted things from me in a cowardly fashion. 

I have been stolen from. 

I have been drugged. 

I have been hurt, victimized & injured. 

I have been abandoned. 

... and I choose to forgive every last situation or perpetrator.
By letting go of my victimization, I take back my power.

When someone hurts me ...
I now realize, they are likely hurting as well.  As I've stated before, HURT people HURT people.
I understand that I have every authority as an adult to take the hit as nothing more than a brief sting ...
Bruises don't define me ...
Wounds are not my whole ...
I will survive without your love ...
I can live without your approval, without your acceptance, and apart from your perceptions and judgments.

By acknowledging that I've been hurt vs. allowing the hurt to box me into a category, a role or a lifestyle ... I give my perpetrator ZERO power over me.  It is only when someone hurts me with words & I accept those as truth or take it on as a war I must win ... that my perpetrator truly beats me.  By discerning the bite from the venom I can survive ... I can heal, I can learn from it, and I can move forward - wiser & more powerful than before.

Let no one take your power away with their weaknesses.
Understand their lacking, set the boundaries & take pity ... but never hand over your power to them.
They are simply & sadly incapable still of gaining the love they need in any form other than that of a parasite.

Hold on to your power ... and blow them a kiss.

YOU ARE POWERFUL.

Love you,
Alli

FORGIVE YOURSELF

You have to forgive yourself ...

I often screw up, I make mistakes - some terrible, some mild in comparison.  Some mistakes I make because I'm not fully aware of my behaviors, some mistakes are made when I am more than fully aware of what I'm doing.  Some mistakes I make from a state of soul survival or emotional survival, or sheer confusion.  Sometimes I am merely selfish.  I know I've thought before that perhaps I could manage a lie, or get away with it, or have my cake and eat it too.  There have been times I'm so bone tired or lonely in life I just don't think from a healthy place.  There have been times I get caught between a rock and a hard place because my mind and heart are deeply at war.

The TRUTH is, it's done.  I did it. It happened, It's over. No amount of self-flogging, depression, anxiety, hiding, stuffing, distracting or scarlet letters will undo what has been done. I have to let go.  Let go of my guilt and my shame, and my 'what-if's' or my 'if only's' or my 'should have's'.  I have to let go of it all if I want to move forward.  If I load every one of my mistakes into the backpack I hike through life with I will be sorely weighed down.  I will be tired faster which will cause me to give up sooner.  I will be self conscious of my weight which will cause me to hide in the crowds.  I will run out of energy to store my mistakes, they will overwhelm me and I will simply stop risking for fear I'll have to pick up another and load it into my backpack.

How do I shake this weight?

I've had to cut to the core of what I did to understand WHY I did it.  Was I looking for fulfillment in the wrong place? Was I trying to survive a situation that seemed to be sucking my spirit dry? Was I afraid to tell someone the truth because I didn't want to hurt them? Did I have any clue at the time what true integrity was? Was I living for other people while my heart was dying? Was I lacking the energy I wish I'd had to do what was 'right'? Was I acting out in desperation? Was I deeply confused about which direction to take? Was I merely in the wrong place at the wrong time? Was I in fact lied to about a situation which left me to act in ways I thought were okay? Was I having a selfish moment that I now deeply regret?

Once I understand what the motive was at the core of my mistake I can give myself the grace I would offer my child whom I love from the deepest part of my heart.  I can understand the intent.  I can identify with the lacking, I can remove the mistake from my backpack & give myself a badge instead. I can remind myself that I have now learned a lesson & that lessons are to be shared in the form of compassion for others who will inevitably make the same mistake - and who may also attempt to find escape from their shame by self-flogging, depression, anxiety, hiding, stuffing, distracting or scarlet letters.

For me, mistakes when understood are powerful tools of mercy inside my backpack.  They allow me to navigate life with vulnerability & strength.  They allow me to draw people together.  They allow me to love others from a place of empathy & grace.  They allow me to hold my judgement, & they empower me to keep moving.  My mistakes grow me like water does flowers.  They are not evil or bad or shameful ... it was simply a mistake.  Maybe I made the same one over and over, and no doubt other's hurt from this.  Now I understand why I kept doing it, and I can apologize with more than a 'sorry'.  I can explain what was the core driving force behind it, and what I'm doing to satisfy that so that I won't make the same mistake twice anymore.

- Treasure your mistakes ...
- Apologize with a cut open heart to those you've hurt ...
- Free yourself from the weight of your shame & guilt by showing others the mistakes you loaded in your backpack ... when they see you setting them down, they too will be empowered to set theirs aside as well - and oh the places you will go when you are free from that weight!

LIVE FOR TRUTH, CREATE INTEGRITY  FIND PEACE, FORGIVE YOURSELF.

Love you,
Alli

FIND PEACE

Have you spun out recently?
Has someone or something hit the play button on one or several of your old tapes (beliefs about yourself)? Did they turn the volume up & you found yourself yelling or shutting down, sucking it up, distracting yourself or throwing pity parties because that's been your go-to behavior for years? Did you crawl back in your cage or let the chains find their way back around your wrists?

I always have to take a moment to understand what happened ...

What triggered my tape player?
What tape was played?
Who put that tape in my tape player?
What is the truth about that tape?
What is a new tape I can play instead?

I have to remind myself that it is within my control to find peace in everything I do, in all that I am confronted with, in all that I "fail" in. I don't have to allow anyone to play anything that isn't good for me to listen to.
I have to ask myself if them pushing my buttons makes them feel better somehow? Is that how they get my attention? My compliance? My affection? Is that how they attempt to control me? Is that how they find their power? Are they looking for validation? Acceptance? Admiration? Control?

If I take a moment to understand where this person is coming from ... what is at the core of their ignorance? Are they feeling insecure? Powerless? Jealous? Hurt? Abandoned? Is this someone I can VULNERABLY share my withholds for (withhold - something I keep from someone; honesty, compassion, authenticity) and why I created them? Is this someone I have no energy for? Is this someone who has no desire to give or receive REAL?

I find that once I step out of the state of reaction - I can better see what is going on ... and then I can decide how to proceed in a way that allows me to stay true to who I really am.

It is within my control to FIND PEACE in everything I do, in all that I am confronted with, in all that I "fail" in.

LIVE FOR TRUTH, CREATE INTEGRITY, FIND PEACE.

Love you all - wins, losses & flat on your face fails,
~ Alli

INTEGRITY

INTEGRATE - To combine parts so they become whole. 
DISINTEGRATE - To weaken by coming apart. 

INTEGRITY - TO COMBINE MY ACTIONS & MY WORDS SO THEY BECOME THE SAME
DISINTEGRATE - WHEN I LACK INTEGRITY, MY LIFE WEAKENS OR COMES APART.

... when I say or do things I either don't believe in or care for but I go through such motions because it buys me a means to an often subconscious selfish gain (saving of face, avoiding responsibility, etc.). For instance; If I tell someone that I will do something so that they will not get upset with or think poorly of me and then I carry around resentment because I never really wanted to do it in the first place, but I lacked the courage to just be honest.  This is an example of lying to myself and others, and the inevitable resentment or victimization I carry around weakens my power strips me of my FREEDOM and my PEACE.  

I have found that my life will almost always disintegrate when I lie ... to myself or others ... no matter the 'honorable good' behind my lies.  It will all eventually come apart.  I have to let go of my control over every situation, get REAL about what I want, what I can do, what I won't do, what I feel anxiety about, etc. My desire to control other's perceptions of me, outcomes, reactions, responses, other's happiness or their lack of it; I have to let go of all that I hold onto to find my heart. (<--- that's a link peeps, CLICK ON IT)  It is within the confines of my heart that my truth exists.  When I deny my truth it ALWAYS seeps out ... it seeps out sometimes in resentment or tears, manipulation or passive-aggressiveness, sarcasm or stress, depression or anxiety - it always finds a way - the heart ALWAYS overrides the head with physical reactions of one form or another.  

Today I challenge you to be HONEST in all that you say and do ... to bring INTEGRITY into your life, which ultimately brings tranquility, peace, freedom & contentment. 

LIVE FOR TRUTH, CREATE INTEGRITY. 

Love you, 
Alli

RESPONSIBILITY

I have to ask myself ...
Are there people who take advantage of me?
Do they cross boundaries I never fully or boldly expressed?
Do I expect people to read my mind because they SHOULD know me by now or because there is some invisible code of ethics I expect everyone to follow or know?
Do I lovingly and clearly express my triggers and how those cause me to withhold attention, affection, & trust for others?

I have to keep in mind that I have TAUGHT other's how to treat me ... I have helped CREATE the situations I am in -- good and bad ... and it will take some TIME coupled with some DISCOMFORT to re-train those around me in loving and vulnerable ways.

If I blame those around me for my discomfort, for my broken marriage, for my martyr position, for my sadness, for my loss, for my heartache, for my mind blocks - I give them all power over my life - I lay down in victimization & wait on THEM to make it different. If I own up to and take responsibility for the passive-aggressive or manipulative behaviors I employed to survive the madness or to get what I wanted/needed, then I CAN CHANGE THE SITUATION BY CHANGING HOW I THINK / BEHAVE ... and in turn will employ AUTHENTIC value to my situations.

With authenticity and vulnerability and self-care ... my whole world changes.  I no longer live FOR people, I live for TRUTH.

LIVE FOR TRUTH ladies & gentlemen.

Love you,
Alli

VULNERABILITY

When I tell people of my vulnerabilities I open the door for them to share theirs ... and when those things are shared, connections are made ... and with connections comes trust & strength & the most stupendous freedom from my past ... because I quickly realize I'm not much different from the other kids who were wounded unfairly ... 

My vulnerability lends me the self-awareness & the courage to help others see that the hiding of secrets behind walls of stoic faces or masks of composure is far more confining 

that simply setting such burdens free.  

TRUE strength is in your VULNERABILITY, not in your ability to bite a bullet & hide in fraud.

I love you all, 

BE VULNERABLE, it is the most beautiful & courageous crown you wear. 

~ Alli 

"How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures.  It also requres the ability to be affected by the wounds of others ... but even more important is the love that arises amoung us when we share, both ways, our woundedness." - M. Scott Peck