FORGIVE YOURSELF

You have to forgive yourself ...

I often screw up, I make mistakes - some terrible, some mild in comparison.  Some mistakes I make because I'm not fully aware of my behaviors, some mistakes are made when I am more than fully aware of what I'm doing.  Some mistakes I make from a state of soul survival or emotional survival, or sheer confusion.  Sometimes I am merely selfish.  I know I've thought before that perhaps I could manage a lie, or get away with it, or have my cake and eat it too.  There have been times I'm so bone tired or lonely in life I just don't think from a healthy place.  There have been times I get caught between a rock and a hard place because my mind and heart are deeply at war.

The TRUTH is, it's done.  I did it. It happened, It's over. No amount of self-flogging, depression, anxiety, hiding, stuffing, distracting or scarlet letters will undo what has been done. I have to let go.  Let go of my guilt and my shame, and my 'what-if's' or my 'if only's' or my 'should have's'.  I have to let go of it all if I want to move forward.  If I load every one of my mistakes into the backpack I hike through life with I will be sorely weighed down.  I will be tired faster which will cause me to give up sooner.  I will be self conscious of my weight which will cause me to hide in the crowds.  I will run out of energy to store my mistakes, they will overwhelm me and I will simply stop risking for fear I'll have to pick up another and load it into my backpack.

How do I shake this weight?

I've had to cut to the core of what I did to understand WHY I did it.  Was I looking for fulfillment in the wrong place? Was I trying to survive a situation that seemed to be sucking my spirit dry? Was I afraid to tell someone the truth because I didn't want to hurt them? Did I have any clue at the time what true integrity was? Was I living for other people while my heart was dying? Was I lacking the energy I wish I'd had to do what was 'right'? Was I acting out in desperation? Was I deeply confused about which direction to take? Was I merely in the wrong place at the wrong time? Was I in fact lied to about a situation which left me to act in ways I thought were okay? Was I having a selfish moment that I now deeply regret?

Once I understand what the motive was at the core of my mistake I can give myself the grace I would offer my child whom I love from the deepest part of my heart.  I can understand the intent.  I can identify with the lacking, I can remove the mistake from my backpack & give myself a badge instead. I can remind myself that I have now learned a lesson & that lessons are to be shared in the form of compassion for others who will inevitably make the same mistake - and who may also attempt to find escape from their shame by self-flogging, depression, anxiety, hiding, stuffing, distracting or scarlet letters.

For me, mistakes when understood are powerful tools of mercy inside my backpack.  They allow me to navigate life with vulnerability & strength.  They allow me to draw people together.  They allow me to love others from a place of empathy & grace.  They allow me to hold my judgement, & they empower me to keep moving.  My mistakes grow me like water does flowers.  They are not evil or bad or shameful ... it was simply a mistake.  Maybe I made the same one over and over, and no doubt other's hurt from this.  Now I understand why I kept doing it, and I can apologize with more than a 'sorry'.  I can explain what was the core driving force behind it, and what I'm doing to satisfy that so that I won't make the same mistake twice anymore.

- Treasure your mistakes ...
- Apologize with a cut open heart to those you've hurt ...
- Free yourself from the weight of your shame & guilt by showing others the mistakes you loaded in your backpack ... when they see you setting them down, they too will be empowered to set theirs aside as well - and oh the places you will go when you are free from that weight!

LIVE FOR TRUTH, CREATE INTEGRITY  FIND PEACE, FORGIVE YOURSELF.

Love you,
Alli