REACT or FEEL, FAIL or SUCCEED

There's an amazing journey to be had when one can truly let go and trust the process and when you prepare yourself for the stones life throws with a few simple thoughts ... 

Just past the layer of my REACTIONS is the layer of my FEELINGS ...

Trials in life bring about my reactions so that I can FIND my feelings. 

Once I am AWARE of my feelings, I can address my reactions from a place of AUTHENTICITY instead of DEFENSIVENESS. 

When I react with tears, anger, sarcasm, complete shut-down, laughter, fidgeting, insecurity or anxiety ... I am hovering right over where my feelings reside. 

When someone rejects me and I shut down, really I'm feeling inferior because of old tapes I just turned the volume up on. When my boss gets on my back about not being enough, really I'm feeling hurt from the memory of perceived inadequacy from a parent and I let my tape player run once again. 

You see, when I open myself up to taking the reaction punches only long enough to understand what feelings reside underneath - then I can take the punches in stride as a learning tool.  I can slow down if not stop time - step back from my reaction and understand what is at the root of it, what triggered it, and what I can do to express my wounds in an authentic way that takes FULL responsibility for each of my REACTIONS. 

REACTIONS turn on other's tape players too by the way. 

AUTHENTIC DISCLOSURE of my motives and my pain draws others to me instead of pushing them away. Vulnerability and acknowledgement of my wounds - connects me to others - because we all have been wounded. 

The training in this lifetime is never over, the punches will always come ... but you can learn to move with them instead of punching back.   

Start each day with a willingness to be aware of what you're feeling past your reactions ... move a position and share those discomforts with the people in your life in an honest and open manor ... explain why you create them and you'll be growing lines of connection and understanding, authenticity and honesty all over the place.

Love you as always,
Alli 

BELIEVE (Non-Focus Grad)

How does a child come to believe in something?

By hearing of it over and over and over again.

Why else do parents insist on church whether you like it or not?

Or go to the trouble to dress up as Santa, or take you to the mall to 'prove' his existence?

The only difference now that you're an adult, is that you've been failed a time or two.  You are aware now that discernment is important when choosing what to believe in.  The openness of your innocent child heart has been replaced with a peep-hole and a lock, so that you can CHOOSE what you will let in or keep out.

I attended a self-effectiveness seminar in November of 2010. I was in a bad place. I was in the midst of my second divorce, I was homeless & living on food stamps while cleaning houses and raising five children.  I needed to make a BIG SHIFT if my life was ever going to change for the better. A portion of the seminar suggests you make a contract of sorts, with yourself - to become the person you want. I struggled very much with not believing the words staring back at me on my contract. I had "claimed" them for myself, but I did not feel them on any level.  I did not know HOW I was going to be that woman.  Often, just looking at my contract would send me spinning into analysis. I began to think I'd been duped. I felt foolish at times staring at my contract. I was NOT admirable, NOT at all BOLD, and REDEEMED??? Uhhhh, are you joking??? Have you met some of the folks in my life who keep a running total of my historical sin list?

I had an epiphany sitting on the front porch of my home with two of my Seminar Trainers (who had befriended me) months after the seminar had ended. I was in a desperate situation and struggling to understand how to deal with it. I kept talking (in mind numbing circles) about what I could DO, HOW I could DO it. Stacey turned to me and simply said: "Alli, state your contract." I responded in laughter and mockingly replied in a Forrest Gump accent; "I am an admirable, bold and redeemed woman". At that moment she stood up (full on trainer mode) and stared me square in the eye and firmly stated: "Allison McKenna, you don't believe it yet. Until you do - you will flounder like you are right now and hold on to your victimization like a blanket of comfort." 

BAM!!!

Until I believe it. 

Well crud. How do I believe in things? 

... and then it came to me. My relationships with Stacey & Sharon were crucial. They saw in me the things I did not yet believe for myself. In the days to come I had to BOLDLY review and exchange my relationships. I had to surround myself with people who ADMIRED me, and who saw me as REDEEMED. People who saw in me the things I did not yet believe for myself. I stopped spending time with the people in my life who fed my negativity, who held me down or used me as their door mat. I realized that I would not become the person I wanted if I did not BELIEVE in myself ... and I was struggling to believe without the daily affirmations I needed to change out all of my negative self talk.  

We come to believe in things because we hear of them over and over and we begin to see proof based on those thoughts because our perspective shifts. Our minds are an incredible machine ... be careful what you feed it as it takes in everything you offer. 

Fill your brain, your spirit and your heart with all of the things you need folks ...SURROUND YOURSELF WITH THOSE THAT SEE IN YOU WHAT YOU DO NOT YET BELIEVE FOR YOURSELF ... 

your POWER is dependent upon it. 

Love you, 

Alli

"FAITH [belief] is a state of mind which may be induced, or created, by affirmation or repeated instructions to the subconscious mind, through the principle of auto-suggestion. There are millions of people who BELIEVE themselves "doomed" to poverty and failure, because of some strange force over which they BELIEVE they have no control. They are the creators of their own "misfortunes," because of this negative BELIEF, which is picked up by the subconscious mind, and translated into its physical equivalent. When men first come into contact with crime, they abhor it. If they remain in contact with crime for a time, they become accustomed to it, and endure it. If they remain in contact with it long enough, they finally embrace it, and become influenced by it. If it be true that one may become a criminal by association with crime, (and this is a known fact), it is equally true that one may develop faith by voluntarily suggesting to the subconscious mind that one has faith. The mind comes, finally, to take on the nature of the influences which dominate it. Understand this truth, and you will know why it is essential for you to encourage the positive emotions as dominating forces of your mind, and discourage--and eliminate negative emotions." -- Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill [1938]

YOU'RE RAISING BUBBLE BABIES

On October 2nd I completed my 20th year of being a mother.
Cumulatively I have mothered 61 years of my children's lives. (I have 5 kids ranging from 6 to 20).

When I started this gig I did EVERYTHING I could to protect, shelter, hide, and buffer the realities of this world from my precious infants.  I didn't allow television for a long time.  Video games and electronics were taboo.  I had my kids transferred into the 'better' school within the best school district where the crowd was more affluent & the test scores noticeably higher. We moved to a street where the people all looked like us, and the homes all looked like each other, and despite the crime rate being non-existent - we still watched the kids like hawks when they played in the locked & fenced in back yard.  We picked a church that gave us guidelines and checklists for how to live, so that we could feel good about our goodness, and also allowed us to give back to OUR community ... so we could feel like we had done a noble act of service by raking the leaves from the front yards of neighbors homes, you know, so they would look pretty.  We chose to spend our time around people who made us feel good about our progress in life, our decisions, our desires, our 'giving', our material items (we were growing a family - so new and bigger was always a must), our upgraded counter tops, our decks for entertaining, our investments so as to save properly for the children's college years, and any number of things we HAD to have for the children's safety and well being. 

I read parenting books, I became politically knowledgeable &  well versed in the Bible ... and I was sure to pontificate ALL of my beliefs & opinions so as to get warm and fuzzy acknowledgements from all of the clones in my life.  I had no reason not to believe I was an exceptional parent ... and my children were only toddlers - I must be waaaaayyyyy ahead of the game - or so I thought.

I bought into the glass box.
I bought into the idea I could make my children do and be whatever I wanted them to be.

With time, came the realization that all of my sheltering wasn't going to prepare my children for the realities of life ... and if I was to keep up my attempts to control their environment with only admission granted to the 'perfect' things -- my world was only going to get SMALLER, not better - and far harder to regulate. I realized that sheltering my children was more about my own discomfort, my own insecurities & my own prejudices than it was about really preparing my child for life outside of my grip.  I didn't want to explain why the man on the corner was begging for money & stumbling (they may want me to help him - oh, but he'd just buy alcohol, right!?) , I didn't want to explain what gay was (they may want to be gay ... right!?) or why the kid at school had to sleep at Grandma's house on weekends so his Mom could 'work'. I couldn't bear the thought of the fear they may feel from knowing kidnapping existed or marriages could break apart or drug addicts were real, or that people could have babies when they weren't married, or even living together, that there were drunks or child molesters or criminals. I didn't want to accept that people who made bad choices were anything more than lazy or crazy, or lacking God or just plain evil.

So I figured I could just keep them from such things and they wouldn't have to know. I'd just box us in to suburbia, I'd choose their friends, I'd limit their access to the world - no TV, no Internet, no Cell phones ... I'd keep them in only the safest parts of town - so assisting the homeless or anything else was just simply too dangerous. We would have family game nights for entertainment ... we'd become well versed in the Bible and would watch documentaries for fun.  I would never leave them in a car while I ran into a gas station, I'd not let them ride their bikes out of my sight, or let them run into the store to get an item.  I would shield and protect them from EVERYTHING, no broken families in our circle, no gay families, no cultural differences to explain or be tolerant of.  I was going to create the Truman Show ... I was going to do this SO right. 

I was wrong. 

For so long I was wrong. 

I created an environment that took hours of overtime & mounds of anxiety pills to make pretty.
I created an environment where I did so much to keep things perfect ... that I was almost always worn out.
I created an environment that was rigid and judgmental and intolerable and inflexible ...

I have learned over the past twenty years that:

If I protect them FROM it ... I don't prepare them FOR it. 

... and in my state of protection, I planted seeds of fear, so that when they were eventually confronted with it (and they ALWAYS are) they were unprepared for how to deal with it.  

When something scares us we either run from it, or we beat the hell out of it ... either way, we aren't loving it, and it's by loving it that you can disarm it.  

I decided to let them SEE & EXPERIENCE the reality of life - and show them how to love it, how to deal with it, how to trust their gut & how to be independent ...

There isn't a lot these days that my kids can't deal with - especially collectively ...
I was humbled and exhausted from trying to keep our masks on all the time & to keep everything perfect ...
At my house now, we do REAL.  We do hard work.  We do gratefulness. We do empathy. We do mistakes. We do do-overs. We don't judge. We look into the eyes of the man who lost his leg & ask why - we don't pretend it away. We get to the core of other's wounds. We love on the hurting. We do difficult discussions ... and we acknowledge we don't have all the answers.  Sometimes we just have to let go of our 'pretty' & love what may be ugly. Ugly is where the lessons are, where the strength is conceived and where the warriors are made.

I don't believe this world was built for the weak ... but the weak sure like to build their worlds huh?

Get out of your comfort zone ...
Show your children the world.
A prepared child is a powerful leader in the making ...
A child hidden from it - tends to build only an empire of walls later in life.

... and you wonder why they never call.

Love you,
Alli

TAKE THE RISK

Remember who you are ... not who people have told you you are.
Evaluate your intentions ... understand your lacking ...
You don't suck as a human being because you have 'issues'.
You are not a fool for trusting in something or someone ... you are a risk taker.
Sometimes those risks pan out ... sometimes they're just lessons to learn ...
It's those that don't risk ... in an attempt to save face, to save pain, to save it all that suffer in the end ...
They make few 'mistakes' and inhibit their own personal growth.
We're all created perfectly, and programmed to 'fail' ... that's what we're on this planet to do.
Mistakes grow people like water does flowers.
LIVE. RISK. LEARN. MOVE ON.
... and don't judge the people who stumble ... they're moving faster than you are standing there watching ...

Love you,
Alli

FLIP A COIN

Struggling with a decision???
Can't analyze it enough ... need proof before deciding?
Need to talk it out (again)? Need advice from friends, family, coworkers, clergy? Need opinions? A sign from God maybe? ...

I'm calling B.S. ... FLIP A COIN.
Yep ... I said take that stress ridden, anxiety filled, life haltering choice you've been chewing on so long your friends and family want to shake you ... and FLIP A COIN ... because I GUARANTEE you ... the minute that coin goes airborne ... YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT ...

Love you,
Alli

LET GO & RESPECT

It's their training.

We all have lessons to learn, experiences to grow from, things we will need to come to terms with, adventures we will need to be a part of ... and we all need to do it at our own pace for it to ever truly impact us on a level that causes ownership or action. 

I have to remind myself that each person I come in contact with is a gift to this planet and is on a special mission of their own in this lifetime - one that will allow for them to learn from lessons only when they are good and ready to be impacted by them.  I hear people often (and am guilty of this too at times) grumbling behind another's back about how they "just don't get it", about how they "told him so" but she "just never learns" and "keeps doing the same thing over and over & never changes." 

As ego centered creatures I believe we often wish to impart our wisdom on other's more for our own validation than the true desire to aid or assist the person struggling.  We like to rant, to lecture, to "teach", to persuade, to coach, to protect & to direct because WE learned it, WE figured it out, WE now see the bigger picture, and now that somehow grants us the right to be condescending to our peers who haven't yet gleaned the wisdom we did from what often started as our own mistake!? 

I have to challenge myself to speak only on my behalf.  To not correct, direct or lecture another based on my personal views, my opinions, my own pace, my own experiences, or to merely enlarge my head.  I have failed at this terribly in my life in the past.  I have wanted to be appreciated, admired, recognized, validated and pursued and thought that I could achieve such by throwing my knowledge, my opinions, my beliefs around like a fool with a sword.  

As I peer back into history, some of the most impactful leaders on this planet (Jesus, Buddha & Gandhi to name a few) weren't folks who spent much time if ANY on a stage or at a pulpit lecturing to the the crowds about how to live their life ... no, they got their hands dirty, they were humble, they were an example by their actions, and when asked for their personal advice & for their wisdom to be imparted on a struggling PEER these men responded to questions with questions.  They responded with stories.  With humble grace & compassion.  With respect. Some of the MOST admired spiritual leaders this planet has ever known VALUED every individual's path as his own & granted each the dignity & the respect to allow them to learn, understand, comprehend & grow at their very own honorable pace.  

I believe every single soul on this planet has the right to learn on their own time, free of my condemnation or ridicule.  I believe there are some that don't want to learn, and I believe there are some so eager for growth they will throw themselves into some of the most terrifying situations in order to conquer their fears.  No matter where you are on your journey, I respect that it is yours. I cherish that my Creator is yours and that my job on this planet is to merely love you where you are ... not compete against it in any fashion or judge your progress.  

It's their training. LET GO of forcing their speed, their pace, their understanding & just RESPECT them.  

They may proceed at their own pace ... I will merely challenge us all to keep moving, to keep risking, to keep learning & to keep growing. 

Love as always - 

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE. 

~ Alli  

BREAK FREE

Your box is as big as you choose it to be ... can't say why I understand even wanting  to be in one ... it's a false sense of comfort and a rather cowardly way to live in my opinion.  God created a rather vast universe ... and each one of the people within it ... why you sit there inside your tiny GLASS box attempting to convince others through muffled words that you aren't suffocating from your own judgements, your own desire to control and your limited perspective, my eyes roll uncontrollably ... He put you here to experience life ... to live and to learn and to love ... kinda hard to do so from a box! Grow some balls and break free. It's stuffy in there!!!

Love you, 

Alli